Failing

Failure is scary. I live a scary life because I am constantly afraid of failure. Most people are. But I don't think that people fear failure the way that I do. My fear of failure extends to the point where I am afraid to even try things out. Or I'm afraid that I'll be bad at things before I even try them.

I've been a freelancer for about two years now. Sometimes I think about getting back into having a regular job since it's more stable than freelancing is. But then I automatically just assume that no one would ever want to hire me. And even if I did end up getting hired, I'd probably just do a bad job at the job anyway. It's strange that I think these things. I'm afraid of being bad at something before I've even given it a shot. I'm practically basing my badness at thing on absolutely nothing. There is no proof that I would ever be bad at these things that I fear, but I fear them anyway.

Sometimes I even get scared of doing things that I already know that I am good at. I'm afraid that I'm suddenly just going to be bad. Or people are not going to like the work that I do. I don't know where this comes from. Maybe when I was younger I didn't get told enough how good I am at things?

I wish I didn't have this fear getting in the way of everything that I do. I can only imagine all the things that I could have accomplished in my life if I wasn't so afraid of everything. I could probably have a lot more money. I'd probably be more successful in my freelancing career too if I wasn't so afraid of failing at that too.

On a more positive note, I like this blog.

Kiddies

Sometimes I think that I am the only girl who has no maternal bones in her body. I really don't like kids, and I don't understand people who want to have them. It stinks because any time I say that I am not interested in having kids, someone else will say, "Oh you'll change your mind when you get older" Why can't people just accept when other people don't want the same things that everyone else wants. Why is it so weird to not want to have children. We aren't living in the 1950s anymore. I'm definitely old enough to know about whether or not I want such a big thing in my life. I'm in my mid 20s, I'm not a teenager!

Even though I don't want to have kids, I do like the idea of getting married, and I hope that I can do that one day. But kids? No way. I think it might be because I have yet to experience so much about life, and I am not ready to think about bringing something into this world that will definitely put to a halt my experiences. I also just don't find anything appealing about the idea of raising tiny humanoids. I have nothing against people who want to have lots of kids, of course. But really, what is so great about it? I don't like doing kids things, and I can't think of anything worse than having to watch kids shows all the time, and having toys all over the house. I hate the idea of sitting in a playground and doing all these kid friendly things. And I'm not even a party animal who wants to be wild and crazy or anything. In fact, I really like being at home all of the time. But not with little babies running around!

Money Money

I wish I had more money. This is probably something that passes through a lot of people's minds. I don't think that I am original for having these thoughts or anything, but I just feel it more than ever now. I grew up without a lot of money. I don't know what it feels like to just buy the things that I want to. Now that I have graduated from college, the fact that I don't have any money is weighing down on my even more. I'm burdened with three student loans that I'm probably never going to be able to pay off. You would think that going to college would at least leave me in a better living situation than I'm in now, but it's really made it worse. How ironic.

If I had more money I wouldn't be extravagant or anything like that. I have no desire to live a glamorous life with tons of things that I don't need. If I had more money I would immediately pay off all of my student loans. Then I'd buy myself an apartment. I don't really like houses, so I'd rather have a nice apartment to live in. I think I'm opposed to houses because I live in NYC.

I would also use my money to pay off the rest of the money that my parents owe on their house. Then I'd probably hoard my money like a crazy person because I am so used to not having any that I'd be scared it would disappear at any moment.